Mum I crashed the car
Ronan Hannigan was fourteen when his parents decided to go on a week’s holiday to the Canaries. He thought that their sojourn gave him a great opportunity to improve his driving skills in his mother’s VW Derby.
Out the Derby bounced on to the Stillorgan Dual Carriageway with Ronan at the wheel. He managedto get across the dualler and headed off towards Stillorgan. A tight u-ie at the bottom of Foster’s Avenue and he was heading towards home on the back strait, foot to the floor. All went well until he tried to navigate his way back to his drive, not quite getting the car into second gear. Pedal confusion allied to the tight turn meant the Derby just kissed the concrete gatepost while Dire Straits belted out from the car stereo. More French than peck, the side of the Derby looked very sad.
Ronan panicked, imagining the bollacking he was going to get from his father when he returned from holiday. But he had time on his side, and started to make a plan as to how he would break the news to his parents.
Two days later they returned, tanned, sombrero and donkey laden. Ronan announced in a sombre tone that he had something to tell them. He knew his father would hit the roof so asked to see his Mother alone. Head bowed, he led the way into the dining room and shut the door. Tears in his eyes, he told his Mother he had something serious to tell her.
‘Go on Ronan, don’t worry. Whatever it is, we can work something out’, said his concerned mother.
‘Oh no Mum, this is really serious. I don’t know if I can tell you’, said Ronan.
‘Don’t worry’, she said, her voice lowered in recognition of the pending confession.
‘Mum…. oh Mum…. I don’t know how to tell you……Mum… whilst you were away I had some….
some…… concerns about who I am and my sexuality and you know …. and all of that’
‘OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, I’ll call the Parish Priest, I’ll get your room sprinkled with
Holy Water, we can sort this out!’ said his Mum.
‘But Mum, that’s not all’.
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT COULD BE WORSE?
‘Mum – I crashed the side of your car’.
‘DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE SILLY CAR, SON’
Ronan has since been happily married for years and is father to a clatter of kids and even now smiles
at his minor “Oscar performance” on the day.