The Swerve

My friend Mary O’Connell had been given a moped to get her to and from Trinity College. I heard from a mutual friend that Mary had been bombing into town, down the Sandyford Road, came round a bend a bit too quickly and ended up on the wrong side of the road, causing a woman driving a Toyota heading in the other direction to swerve off the road to miss crashing into her. Fortunately there was a bit of hard shoulder so a shower of gravel flying into the ditch was the worst that happened.

I laughed when I heard the story and stored the little anecdote away. The following Saturday, which happened to be April 1^st I was scheming with my great friend Simon Digby about what we could do to catch someone out with a good April’s Fool and I remembered the story of the swerve. Brilliant we had the basis of a ruse!

Simon called Mary’s home number, with me listening in beside him, used a very grown up and official voice asked to speak to Miss Mary O’Connell, her dad Don, one of life’s great characters answered the phone and asked who was speaking? Simon answered, “Guard Lynch from Dundrum Garda station,” we heard an intake of breath, a moment of silence and then Don shouting for Mary. Now a phone call on a Saturday morning from a Garda is enough to make any parent suspicious and despite Mary’s best efforts to shoo her Dad away, he obviously stayed close by.

“Hello, this is Mary” we heard from a worried Mary. “This is Guard Lynch from Dundrum station Miss O’Connell!  We’ve had a complaint about your driving, a female Toyota driver came into the station this morning to report an incident during the week where an irresponsible moped driver swerved into her lane and nearly caused her to crash off the road, but she saw the moped’s registration and we’ve traced the bike to you…” A gasp, and a gulp, and then a worried dad in the background asking what was wrong. “It’s nothing Dad, go away,” answered Mary.  “Is there anything you have to say Miss O’Connell?” continued Guard Lynch.” I ah, well, um…” said Mary, Guard Lynch had the right details and was obviously legit.  She thought she was in real trouble.

“Right Miss O’Connell, I need you to report to Dundrum shopping centre next Wed afternoon at 4pm to take a speed-bump test” continued the Guard, folded over with supressed laughter. “A speed-bump test?” said a now very worried Mary. “Yes” answered Guard Lynch, “I’ll want you to ride your moped over the speed bumps in shopping centre car park at different speeds, and if I see a sliver of daylight between the seat and your arse, at any speed, I’ll be pulling your license!” Poor Mary had never heard of the like, nor had anyone else, but she was so worried and Simon was so convincing she swallowed it.

“Oh my goodness, right, right,” answered my poor friend and I was now torn between laughter and putting her out of her misery. Simon understood that we had really got her and perhaps now it was enough. So, he told her that the female Toyota driver was in the station with him and wanted a word, and he handed me the phone.  “Happy April’s Fool Mary” I gasped. Immediate voice recognition resulted in a string of unprintable words and a phone slam. Simon and I fell around laughing, we were delighted with ourselves as it was probably the best April’s Fool joke any of us did that year. After several days of being in the bad books, we all went out for a drink the following weekend and made up.